Hey, I’m Ellie! I would suggest reading the About Page first, as it contains content warnings and other contextual information that applies to this webpage. On this page, I’ll roughly cover who I am. For clarification, I am not advocating that anyone else be how I am, but simply attempting to convey it. Apologies if anything is too abstract or difficult to understand. I tried my best to choose my words carefully for accuracy, but I recognize this comes at the cost of ease of reading and accessibility. This webpage is highly condensed, and I had to leave many things out for space because the me of now is the collective effort of every me of the past.

On My Thoughts

I only have one belief. When talking casually, I usually refer to ‘my views,’ ‘my thoughts,’ or ‘my understanding.’ Those are not things I believe in. My only belief is in the one thing I know to be self-evident— my individual and immediate experience. It is not in anything extrapolated from that. I have no belief in any further characterization, processing or interpretation of that experience.

It is not because I believe they are false that I don't believe in other things, but simply because I do not have absolute justification for any conclusion regarding their veracity (I have no clue if such a thing is possible or not). That does consequently apply to all statements I make or assert, as well as their logical inverses. That is why, on a technical level, I view speaking as myself (i.e., when the assumption that I am representing myself is present) as generally informal, to varying degrees.

Aside from the one thing I believe in, I also probabilistically estimate the likelihood of potential truths. To provide one example, I roughly trust my brain's natural proclivities for interpreting sense information to some level. From there, I can extrapolate conclusions in which I have less confidence than the original potential truths. Then, in most contexts, I will rely on these ideas in my actions. Similarly to what was previously mentioned, this entire process is an informal practice.

On My Existence

Physics, math and philosophy are some of my reasons for being and being as I am. When speaking casually, I often say they are my passions, but for the context, the word is a misnomer. Under my beliefs, they might not even exist, or something even less than that which I cannot comprehend, so to get at the heart of things and be more precise, it’s not physics, math and philosophy. It’s more reality, regardless of how it is (if it is.) That’s one of my reasons for being and being as I am, to doggedly pursue that notion. Irrespective of notions of possibility or plausibility.

Some of my other reasons are the experiences in my life (if my memories and the sense of movement through time indicate that there is more than one). I appreciate every aspect, though I don't know if they exist isolated from the whole. I appreciate the happiness, the pain, the suffering, the sorrow, the mundanity, the thinking about all those things and everything between and beyond. I may also not like some of them, but I would not personally rather live a life without any of them. I appreciate all of them, and I have gratitude toward reality.

For a large portion of my life, I was depressed and constantly preoccupied with the thought of my death. When I was much younger, I often fantasized about just lying down, choosing to be despondent no matter what, refusing to give any input to my body, and eventually passing. I was bullied, isolated, and forced to go through a puberty which was highly distressing to me, among several other factors that I have reasons for not discussing. Living was hard for me. Not uniquely so, and many people in my life have suffered far more than I have, it seems to me. People all around the world suffer in their own personal hells, and none of it is any less painful directly because someone else's is more painful. Regardless, I primarily mention those experiences because I want to be forthcoming about myself. They played a significant role in shaping who I am now, though they have long passed. It isn't an uncomfortable subject for me. In some sense, I'm very close to living my ideal life— the life I would want without considering practicality, reasonability, or reality.

Most of my other reasons are my closest friends, who I would likely not be here right now without. They mean so much to me, and their kindness and genuineness are truly difficult to fathom. One of them once told me they thought I was “smart as hell and destined for greatness,” among many other really sweet things, and... how can you not try to live up to that with every fiber of your being?

On My Art

[section in progress]

Misc.

There were a few things which I didn’t know where to put, so I’ll put them here! I’m studying to eventually be a theoretical physicist. That doesn’t preclude me from pursuing other aspects of reality, so I won’t let it stop that. Also, if you want to contact me, you can do so through my Neocities profile (linked here) or on my guestbook.